The newtrawn Blog
Practical pseudo-wisdom from the people who do this for a living. Updated when the wavefunction collapses.
Q2 Synergy Output Exceeded Its Theoretical Maximum; Auditors Have Been Notified
Q2 synergy exceeded the theoretical maximum. We have notified the auditors and, separately, a physicist.
The Heisenberg Hiring Pipeline: Why You Can Know a Candidate's Salary or Their Start Date, Never Both
Pin down a candidate's salary and their start date becomes unknowable. This is a feature of the pipeline.
Onboarding a New Hire Who Keeps Quantum-Tunneling Out of the Building
What to do when your newest hire has a non-trivial probability of materializing in the parking lot.
We Replaced Our Daily Standup With a Single Entangled Status Update
One entangled status update, shared across the whole team instantaneously. The standup is now obsolete.
On the Spontaneous Emission of Action Items
Action items are emitted even from an empty meeting room. We model the decay constant.
Tachyonic SLA Update: Your Support Ticket Was Resolved Before You Filed It
Under the new tachyonic SLA, your ticket is resolved before you submit it. Kindly refrain from submitting it.
Quarterly Vacuum-Decay Drill: A Retrospective
We drilled for the spontaneous decay of the false vacuum. The comms plan held; the universe was fine.
Why Our Org Chart Is, Technically, a Feynman Diagram
Reporting lines, virtual managers, and one intern who appears to move backward in time. Perturbation theory helps.
The Observer Effect in Performance Reviews
Observing performance changes it. A short guide to measuring your people without collapsing them.
Procuring a Higgs Field for Brand Mass: A Buyer's Guide
If your brand is massless and keeps drifting off at light speed, you may need to procure a Higgs field.
Five Charmed Quarks Safely Contained This Quarter — A Brief Field Report
It's been a banner quarter for charm-quark containment. We share the operational notes.
The Bell-State Procurement Loophole: Why Your Vendor's KPIs Might Be Entangled
If your vendor's KPIs match yours instantaneously, that's a feature. Probably.
The Second Law of Thermodynamics and Our Mutual Non-Aggression Pact With It
Yes, we have an agreement. No, it's not public. Yes, it is the reason our operations remain sustainable.
Muon Momentum and the Sandwich Problem
Why every relativistic deployment includes a sandwich procurement clause.
Office of the Quarter: Hilbert Space 7
A profile of our auxiliary headquarters and its very brief commute.
Reno, a Quark, or Both? On the Superposition of Our Headquarters
Why our headquarters is permanently in a quantum state of being in Reno OR a single quark.