Quarterly Vacuum-Decay Drill: A Retrospective
Per our risk register, newtrawn INC conducts a quarterly vacuum-decay drill in which we assume the false vacuum has spontaneously decayed, the laws of physics are being rewritten at the speed of light from an unknown origin point, and the entire observable universe is being overwritten. The objective of the drill is to confirm that, even under these conditions, our incident comms plan goes out on time.
This quarter's drill was our most successful to date. The status page was updated within the target window, stakeholders received a calm and professionally worded notification, and the post-incident review was scheduled before the simulated front of catastrophic vacuum decay would have reached our primary data center. We note for the record that, in the event of an actual decay, none of this would matter, but our compliance posture would be impeccable until the very last instant.
One finding: a junior particle asked why we drill for an event that is, by definition, unsurvivable and unstoppable. The facilitator explained that we do not drill to survive it; we drill so that our last automated email is well-formatted. This was logged as 'culture, exemplary' and the particle was promoted.