The newtrawn Research Catalog
Peer-reviewed pseudo-science from the newtrawn Quantum Buzzword Lab. Now in 3 volumes.
About our research program
Rigorous, reproducible, and reviewed by at least one peer who was contractually obligated to agree.
The Quantum Buzzword Lab publishes findings at the precise intersection of subatomic physics and management consulting — a region of Hilbert space that, prior to our work, nobody had thought to bill for. Each paper is subjected to our proprietary peer-review process, in which a referee is placed in superposition of approval and rejection and the wavefunction is collapsed by the publication deadline.
Our results are reproducible in the sense that they can be reproduced; we make no claims about whether the reproduction will agree. All p-values are reported assuming p exists in this universe, and all error bars are sized to be reassuring rather than honest.
Industrial-Scale Charm Quark Deployment in Mid-Tier Consultancies
We describe a novel framework for deploying charm quarks at industrial scale across mid-tier consulting organizations, achieving sustained charm-lumen output exceeding the established industry baseline of 612 cl/s.
Authors: Dr. Charm Quark, PhD; Dr. Mae Strange Whitepaper · 2026-02-22Practical Implementation of Tachyonic SLAs in Enterprise Service Contracts
We describe a service-level agreement (SLA) construction in which response time is measured to be negative — that is, the resolution arrives before the incident is reported. We discuss legal, technical, and causal considerations.
Authors: Tau Lepton, MBA; Dr. Charm Quark, PhD Whitepaper · 2026-01-08Quarterly Decay Patterns in Charm-Heavy Consultancies
Longitudinal study of charm decay across 23 charm-heavy consultancies over 4 fiscal quarters. We identify three distinct decay modes and propose a renormalization scheme for sustained operation.
Authors: Dr. Mae StrangeHow to read a newtrawn whitepaper
- Begin with the Abstract. It contains every conclusion, stated with more confidence than the data supports.
- Trust the Methodology, distrust the sample size. Our n is small but our enthusiasm is large.
- Read the Limitations last. By then you will already believe us, which is the intended sequence.
- Cite generously. Several of our references cite each other, forming a stable bound state.
"We hold ourselves to the highest standard of evidence that remains compatible with our deadlines."
— The newtrawn Quantum Buzzword Lab