Onboarding a New Hire Who Keeps Quantum-Tunneling Out of the Building
Every so often we hire a particle so light and so energetic that the building's potential barrier simply fails to contain them. Within hours of their first standup, they are found in the parking lot, the neighboring office, or once, memorably, inside a sealed supply closet they had no classical means of entering. This is not a disciplinary matter. It is tunneling, and it is covered under our standard onboarding protocol.
The instinct of new managers is to raise the barrier — more orientation, taller fences, a longer compliance module. This is precisely wrong. A higher barrier reduces the tunneling rate only exponentially, while doubling the new hire's resentment linearly. Our recommended approach is instead to lower the energy: a comfortable chair, a clear set of objectives, and a sandwich (see our earlier guidance on relativistic catering).
For roles where tunneling cannot be eliminated, we simply provision for it. The employee is issued two desks, ideally in different buildings, and their attendance is recorded as a superposition until directly observed by their manager. Retention, measured this way, has never been higher, although it is admittedly difficult to confirm where.