Tachyonic SLA Update: Your Support Ticket Was Resolved Before You Filed It
We are delighted to announce an enhancement to our Boson Pro and Quantum Enterprise support tiers. Leveraging a tachyonic backchannel, our support organization now resolves incidents before they are reported. Customers on these tiers may notice that tickets they intended to file appear in their history already marked 'Resolved,' often with a closing note that anticipates their question with uncanny and slightly unsettling precision.
This does introduce a small operational request on the customer's part: please do not file the ticket. Filing a ticket that has already been resolved before filing creates a closed timelike loop in our queue, which our support engineers describe as 'the bad kind of recurring.' If you find yourself about to submit a request that has already been answered, we ask that you simply accept the resolution and proceed with your day.
Edge cases remain. A small number of incidents have been resolved so far in advance that the underlying product feature did not yet exist at resolution time. Our engineering team is working backward from these resolutions to build the features they presuppose, a process we have branded 'retrocausal roadmapping' and intend to charge for separately.