At lunch, I enjoy going to the port of anchorage sometimes and watching the ocean. I’ve seen beluga whales, countless eagles and people pulling salmon out of the water during the summer. On a clear day, one can see Denali, mt. Spur, mt. Susitna, etc.
Once you’re married, you’re sure to start hearing this question a lot: So, when are you having kids? Rude, tasteless, inappropriate, sure — but isn’t it tradition to make newlyweds as uncomfortable as possible around their new in-laws? This is just part of that.
Wrong though it may be for others to prod about children, you and your new spouse need to make sure you’re on the same page, wherever that is. Once you start feeling like you might be ready to expand your family, we have a list of tests you can try to see if you really are ready. Below are a series of practical experiments that simulate the trials and tribulations of raising a family.
Mess Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Toy Test:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you
may substitute roofing tacks) Have a friend spread them all over the
house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do
not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)
Grocery Store Test:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with
you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay
for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing Test:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag, making sure that all arms stay inside.
Feeding Test:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend
from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to
insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into
the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the
contents of the jug on the floor.
Night Test:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 – 12
pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM, begin to waltz
and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your
alarm for 10: 00PM.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you
have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until
4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up
for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Physical Test (Women):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your
clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
Physical Test (Men):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask
the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to
the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited
to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the
last time.
Final Assignment:
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how
they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet
training, and children’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can
improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children
to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will
have all the answers
Effects Of Drugs And Alcohol On Spider Webs – Watch more Funny Videos
If the geologic history of the earth were represented by 1 year, the calendar would look something like this:
Ninja Scare Prank In Garage – Watch more Funny Videos
This one is pretty clever:
Garbage Can Full of Water Prank – Watch more Funny Videos
Just getting to work! Woo! Sometimes during the weekend I actually
Look forward to going back to work. 
/************************************/
/* Guidelines to development */
/* on the */
/* HOLLYWOOD OPERATING SYSTEM */
/************************************/
1. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.
2. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be
accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit
data at two gigabytes per second.
3. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the
control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
4. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file,
it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a
backup file -- and there are no undelete utilities.
Corollary: Deleting a file instantly removes all copies of said file from
disks, memory, frame buffers and caches across all computers in the universe.
5. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for
a password when you insert it.
6. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by
any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all
computer platforms.
7. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However,
everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled.
8. Most computers, no matter how small or old, have reality-defying
three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.
9. Laptops from 1992 always seem to have amazing real-time video phone
capabilities and the performance of a CRAY.
10. Whenever a character looks at a terminal, the image is so bright that it
projects itself onto his/her face.
11. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans
operating computers never make mistakes under stress.
12. (From Independence Day) No matter what kind of virus it is, any computer
can be infected with it -- even an alien spaceship's computer -- simply by
running a virus upload program on a laptop.
13. (From Jurassic Park) A custom system with millions of lines of code
controlling a multimillion dollar theme park can be operated by a 13 year
old who has seen a Unix system before. Seeing an operating system means you
know how to run any application on that system, even custom apps.
Note: What OS was it really running?
(1) "These are super computers". A CrayOS?
(2) "Quicktime movie, Apple logo, trash can." MacOS?
(3) "Reboot. System ready. C:\" DOS?
(4) "Hey, this is Unix. I know this" Unix?
The computers in Jurassic Park were Cray supercomputers running the MacOS
as a graphical shell of DOS all layered on top of a Unix base.
14. You cannot stop a destructive program or virus by unplugging the computer.
Presumably the virus has its own built-in power supply.
15. You cannot stop a destructive program downloading onto your system by
unplugging the phone line. You must figure out the mandatory "back door"
all evil virus programmers put in.
16. Computers only crash if a virus or a hacker is involved.
17. All text must be at least 72 point.
18. Word processors do not have an insert point.
19. The only way to reboot is to shut off the main power to the building.
20. Passwords can be guessed in three and exactly three tries. If you cannot
guess the password in three tries, you must give up immediately.
21. Any task or program can be executed by simply pressing Enter, no matter
which program or window is in the foreground.
22. All scanners, video cameras and digital cameras have a resolution of
approximately 500 megapixels. Any image can be infinitely magnified with
no pixelization.
23. Security will not improve over time. Nonaffialiated personnel can take
over a space ship without needing an account or access control.
Corollary: Anyone can override access control lists in the future.
24. All hackers wear black T-shirts or Hawaiian shirts.
25. Incoming messages are displayed letter by letter. Email over the Internet
works like telegraphs.
26. Microsoft Windows doesn't exist. Macintosh has a 75% market share.
27. GUI operations, such as image selection and manipulation, can be handled
easily and quickly via the keyboard.
28. If a robot's eyes turn red, it becomes evil.
29. Cell phones and laptops have infinite battery life, until you need to
call for help.
30. Latency does not exist. Voice and data can be sent to Mars in real time.
31. If all else fails, hit it. That fixes everything.
32. If you don't have the combination to an electronic door lock, shoot it.
Destruction of the lock electronics will always unlock the door.
33. Computers with touch screen interfaces are noisy.
34. When entering a password, it will be displayed as clear text,
in a 96 point font and on a 50 inch wall mounted screen. However,
everyone is really courteous, as password snooping doesn't happen.